There are two reasons we keep quiet, one, it means nothing, and two, it means everything.

In the life of a 22-year-old boy, there are definitely things other people cannot comprehend. Don’t have to feel bad if you cannot understand me. Nobody can truly understand anybody. I can never truly understand anyone, even when I thought I know a lot. Even if it is in the best interest for the person, I will never be able to truly understand. But that does not mean the things that I did was selfish because I did what I had to do in the best interest of the person based very much on my opinion just because you can never truly know anyone. That is just how our puny little brains operate. We care too much.

There are reasons why we did the things we do, and will continuing doing it just to preserve the functionality and existence of the things we so dearly want to preserve and protect. By doing so, the reasons that act as the driving force of all our actions shown superficially and even gotten misunderstood sometimes are kept hidden in the closet, fearing the fact that the exposure of our reasons will terminally end the happiness we so very much try to preserve. Because the reasons are nonetheless secrets, dark secrets that we wish they had not exist in the first place. But since we were not able to erase these secrets, we had them kept hidden in the very soul of our minds. We may excel in the art of concealing the truth but the slithering darkness of our inner desire are as strong, albeit successfully halting its revelation, but its manifestations of its leftover tracks did not fail to influence us, from the deep core of our mind to the shallow representation of our identities, thus affecting our outward actions and choices we take. We so abhorrently hate these secrets that we rename it, reasons.

John Green, my number one favourite author once said in The Faults In Our Stars (TFIOS),

“I’m a grenade. And at some point I’m going to blow up. 

And I would like to minimise the casualties.”

This quote not only proves that John Green gave life to the silenced and lost words chanted by my inner soul, but also serves as the essence to my reasons.

Just like Hazel in TFIOS, I have a condition. Some might argue it to be worse than cancer, while others might think it is a blessing rather than having cancer. But if you really have the condition as me, you and I would comprehend it as the cancer of the soul. And for somebody like me who has a depth of knowledge about the soul, afterlife and the future judgment day, that cancer is not going to kill me in the end, because it had already did. The lifestyle I lead is a curse itself that will only continue to exist as long as I am still breathing and feeling.

As much as I wish I were a zombie roaming around without a purpose and desire, I am still aware of my existence and the impulse I possess, and that the impact of the living that can bring, intentionally or not, to the people around me. People once said that if you wanted to live life to the fullest, think about how you yourself to be described in your own eulogy. For me, I wanted to impact people. That simple. But I wish I could add in an adjective to describe that impact, and obviously everyone wants to leave a good impact on people. But the reality is you cannot. Nobody just leaves good impacts. People hurt you, they make you cry, depressed, question about life. Even in the animation Inside Out by Pixar, all of us have Sadness aside from Joy, Fear, Anger and Disgust. Deny it all you may, but sadness is a very much vital to the living, not because it brings about tears of pain, but it gives all the positive impacts a reason to be appreciated and treasured. Without pain, we never know happiness. 

As John Green wrote, pain demands to be felt. Therefore, it is inevitably that we will impact others in a good and bad fashion. Even though we cannot have total control of the impact we leave, we can control the intentions of our good and bad impacts. And that good intention for a not-so-nice action will leave a lesser negative impact on the people you know you will hurt one day, because of your condition, but this route of choice is made in the best interest of the people you care, all because that not-so-nice action we take will cause minimal damage. Therefore, it is our responsibilities to “minimise the casualties” that will be caused by our conditions we were born with which will inevitably cause pain and harm to the people we care. Since we cannot prevent the negative impact, at least let us reduce its damages.

That, my friend, is the reason why I drew myself a line from the people I care. Selfish? Some may argue that pain is a feeling to be shared with loved ones, is to be carried together, not alone. But honestly, ask yourself, would you want to burden your pain to the people you care? Would you want to feel good again, but to feel that, bring about pain, or would you rather continue to bear the pain you were born with, and let the people you care to feel lesser pain and more happiness. It is true that without sadness, happiness is superficial. But there is also a reason why we were gifted with this curse, and not the people we care. We are strong enough to carry this burden, and strong enough not to let it seep into the lives of our love ones. This is where you decide who is selfish and who is selfless. Arguments can be drawn from many sides with different perspectives. This is where the real debate begins, but is also where I rest my case.

You need not know the reasons I do what I do, because the knowledge of it will not bring about full comprehension. But know this, that the things that I did and do and will do are a result of the best intention of you. A negative impact, I cannot deny, but in the least painful way possible.